I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
