If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
