im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
