I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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