no, he came in my armpit
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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