I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
