I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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