party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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