i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
