I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
