I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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