i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
