Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
