dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
