chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
