this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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