Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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