Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
