I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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