it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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