I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
