I'm going to jail i love you
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize