Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
