Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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