I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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