It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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