I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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