I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Houston, we have a blender
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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