FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
