I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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