Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
