I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I feel like a drive thru vagina
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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