Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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