I've blown a few things in my day
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
