Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
