you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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