I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
