I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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