Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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