Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ladies don't puke and tell
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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