You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
