I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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