I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
two words...techno handjob
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
