Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
they need to just BURY HIM!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
