i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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