About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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