Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
