My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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