I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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