Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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