I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
