My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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