His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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