The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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