Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
