I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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