just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
