i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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