You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
