dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Less talking, more tequila
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
