i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
