need another drink. this is the easiest way
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
