Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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