You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize