3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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