I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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